I havn’t blogged for a while…I have pondered over the last few days whether or not to expose certain flaws I am seeing on a daily basis. With mishaps that people are brushing off as ‘these things happen’. I have decided to wait with this one and see what happens… not because I want to but because the outcome of waiting will have more of an impact than me being impatient, as usual!
What happened to me today was something that I couldn’t leave, without writing it down. It was a moment that brought tears to my eyes, tears of pain and tears of joy and I don’t know in what order.
I was driving home today after collecting Crystal (my daughter) from school. We were having a general conversation about her day, I ask her did she eat all of her lunch? she says she can’t remember, I ask her what did she learn at school today? she says she can’t remember! She asks, mummy when we get home can I have a packet of crisps? I ask her, will you eat an apple?…. Same shit, different day! (I didn’t say that to her).
It was after that, she said “Mummy, I feel upset”. With her little voice sounding so vulnerable and her eyes filling up with tears. I asked her what was wrong with her and after a long pause she proceeded to talk about her perspective on life at ten years old, she said “I am just thinking about life, like why I am here? Will I just live and then die and just go to school in-between because I don’t want to just live to die and that makes me sad that I don’t know why I am here”.
This little girl caught me so off guard with such a complex issue and conversation, I told her that we are all here for a reason, and at the age of ten the reason is to enjoy being a child, enjoy being looked after by a parent that loves her and enjoy being with her friends and learning at school….she then said “Well, if that is true how come some children don’t have parents who look after them and some kids at school don’t like school!?”.
Why can’t I have a ten year old who wants to get home and play with lego or who’s only concern is what excuse she can use to get out of doing her homework but then I realised, on a daily basis she hears and sees me unpick every bit of information I have, she listens to me explain things, understand things and question things and today I have realised that at ten years old, she is doing the same and that makes me so proud of her.
I told her that sometimes parents are unable to look after, see or speak to their children due to circumstances that can not be helped. The ins and outs of what ever the circumstance doesn’t need to be spoken to Crystal right now. She went on to say “well, my aunty works in a bank and is a dogs mummy, and you are my mummy and you spend time helping me and helping everybody and my daddy makes parts for aeroplanes but I just go to school and I don’t think I have a reason to be here so today I spent my play time helping the dinner lady with the little kids at school”.
I told Crystal that I am very proud that she spent her time helping out with the little kids at school and its funny because I can remember being her age and at lunch time I used to go onto the little kids playground and help the dinner lady look after the little kids. I reminded Crystal that she is super talented in art, story telling, cartoon drawing and being annoying, and as long as we nurture her talents, during the progress of her life, she will find her purpose and the reason why she is here. She laughed and said “Ok mummy, as long as me being annoying and annoying you is a reason for me being here, that’s ok. What flavour crisps have we got at home!!??”.
I can’t stop thinking about why my child is wondering why she is here, but for my own peace of mind and so one day, Crystal can read this or listen to me read this to her, I am going to give my ten year old a perspective from her mother as to why she is here….
Crystal, if ever you need a reason to be here, for my own selfish reasons I am going to say you are here to keep me sane. Every morning I wake up and see you, I have a reason to battle on with another day. When I am tired, drained and upset, you sometimes say “Mummy, I will tuck you into bed tonight because I know you are so tired because you work for me and you always tuck me in”. If I sometimes shout at you for something little, because I am already annoyed about something else, when I apologise to you, you say “no worries mumma, I know you love me really, if you didn’t you would have sold me on ebay by now, can you actually sell kids on ebay?”.
You’re existence brings laughter, love and life into every person you meet. You are clever, cute, funny and a pleasure to live with, despite the fact that you somehow always need a poo when I am in the bath, I am sure you do that on purpose!
During your life, you will find your own reason for being here, until then, just know, the reason you are here now, is to keep your mother here, to keep her fighting, to keep her smiling and you are showing her the most important thing in life is laughing, at home, in our pjs, to stupid videos on youtube of kids guessing the ages of adults!
On your journey through life, in self discovery, in the realisations of this harsh world and all of the amazing places, people and experiences you will endure on the way, I will be right by your side or watching you from a distance (like I do when you play outside and I curtain twitch, and you get annoyed!).
Tomorrow, I hope you just want to go to school, come home, clean your room and watch a film to save me the stress of wondering why you are wondering about life! Save that for me, in case you haven’t realised it yet, mumma is working on a master plan.
Crystal, Love you Girl!